Royale Ball
by FishWindows
Summary: A retelling of the unforgettable tale of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth that you won't soon forget.
1. A Most Unexpected Present

"Oh what a splendid party!" cried Mrs. Bennet.

It was none other than the eve of Michaelmas, and the Longbourn household was filled to its capacity with folk of the gentle persuasion. Some came from -----shire, others arrived from the nearby -----ford and North ----shire and some from -------ford, which, in Mrs. Bennet's own words, gave the traveller a journey of the perilous persuasion.

"Yes, and it would not have been so were it not for dear Mr. Collins' most gracious generosity," Mr. Bennet added with a little laugh. Mr. Collins recognized Mr. Bennet's kind remark with a silent nod of his head.

"Was it of much trouble to procure such a party as this one, suiting our taste of fashion and our own lifestyle, Mr. Collins?" Elizabeth asked eagerly. At the turn of her head she noticed that Mr. Darcy had become so taken with her he followed her movements as if he were burning a hole through her handsome head.

"My dear Miss Bennet, I wish only the best for my dear cousins," Mr. Collins returned smartly. He now had in his hands ten neatly wrapped packages, one for each of his closest guests. He gave one each to Mr. and Mrs. Bennet, their five daughters, one for Miss Bingley and her dear brother Mr. Bingley, and of course to his fine friend, Mr. Darcy.

"Oh my, Mr. Collins! How very kind of you!" Lydia cried, opening her gift with the uptmost care.

"It was nothing at all, Miss Bennet, truly nothing," said Mr. Collins, "I beseech all of you to carefully open your gifts, and it would please me most if you were to wear them on this very evening."

With a nature of the intriguing persuasion each one of the recipients of the gifts opened their respective gifts. Each of the male recipients recieved handsome silk cravats and cufflinks, whilst the recipients of the feminine sex received quite stunning broaches. Each recipient, after opening their respective gifts, were quite indeed pleased and quite quickly adorned themselves with Mr. Collins' generous gifts, thanking him in return.

Mr. Collins stood up, tapping the side of his wine glass to silence his joyful compaitriots. "My dearest friends," he said, "Although you are quite pleased with your gifts at this moment,my generosity has not been spent, for, tonight, I have yet another gift for all of you, and it would give me the most pleasure if you would follow me to the drawing room so that I may explain."

His guests were quite mystified by this addition, but it altogether intrigued them so much that they were greatly obliged to follow their fine friend.


	2. A Game of the Most Curious Taste

At length they followed Mr. Collins into the drawing room, after which Mr. Collins himself closed all the doors quite tightly. The five Bennet sisters looked toward each other excitedly, and their mother and father both laughed at their enthusiasm.

"Come come, Mr. Collins," said Mr. Bingley. "What is your great gift that you speak of?"

Mr. Collins smiled briefly, and gave his answer. "Mr. Bingley, my gift to all of my dear friends is one that can be enjoyed by all. A game, if you will."

"Is it backgammon?" Mary Bennet asked, for she was quite skilled at the game.

"Perhaps, in your own way, Miss Bennet, it will be backgammon," said Mr. Collins, "But it is not, in practice, backgammon. This is a game of wits, deceit, and--perhaps--quite excruciating mortal agony."

Glances were exchanged by all, and Mrs. Bennet ejaculated, "This looks to me to be quite silly, Mr. Collins! Very silly, in a very real sense!" Miss Bingley and her brother Mr. Bingley nodded in avid agreement.

Mary, with a growing feeling of the impaitent persuasion, asked promptly, "What are the rules of this game of yours, Mr. Collins?"

Mr. Collins smiled abruptly. "In this game, Miss Bennet...you must learn quite rapidly how to court a fine gentleman. And this gentleman in question is none other than my dear friend Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy."

Miss Bingley was thoroughly outraged. "To what end are you considering this, Mr. Collins! It is altogether quite lewd as well as very silly!"

"The object of this game, Miss Bingley, is to win Mr. Darcy's affections, since he himself seems to be the most desireable out of all the gentlemen here. You and the five Miss Bennets must take part in this courtship, which will last for all of three days."

Elizabeth was thouroughly terrified, yet she asked, "And how do we go about this depraved courtship of yours, Mr. Collins?"

"As you would in situations of normal nature. Yet, there can be only one winner of Mr. Darcy's heart...one that remains alive, that is." Mr. Collins then turned away from his horrified guests, opening a nearby wardrobe. There, resting on a bed made of the most handsome of dark velvet, were six pistols and six rapiers, one for each Miss Bingley and the five Bennet sisters. All of Mr. Collins' guests were quite silent at this moment.

"You must court Mr. Darcy whilst dispatching your opponents. If you do not follow this method in three days, I will be forced to commit a most awful atrocity." Mr. Collins then held up a small, wooden box, adorned with ten little wooden knobs. "Mr. Bennet, my dear uncle, it would give me much pleasure if you were to step forward."

Agitiation came across Mr. Bennet's calm face and he cried, "Mr. Collins! You have thouroughly ruined your own party! What, exactly, is the very meaning of this, sir?"--- to that end, Mr. Collins turned a knob on his little device, and Mr. Bennet promptly exploded. His head broke open like a steaming cherry pie, whilst his hands flew from his wrists only to splatter against two opposite windows. He was, thouroughly, at his end.

A little piece of Mr. Bennet's brain meat sat idly on top of Mrs. Bennet's noble brow. "Oh, Mr. Collins, this is rather quite silly," she said.

"It may be silly, Mrs. Bennet," said Mr. Collins, "but it is real, I'm afraid. For you see, the broaches, cravats and cufflinks I have given to you are all of quite an explosive nature. If I move one of these knobs on my little device that I have in my hand, I can detonate whomever I wish." There was silence again in the room, and Mr. Collins continued. "If there is no one winner of Mr. Darcy's heart at the end of three days, all of the party here shall explode, including Mrs. Bennet, Mr. Bingley, and Mr. Darcy. If you attempt to take your own livesor remove yourgifts, you will detonate. If youtalk amongst yourselves and decide upon a winner, you all will still explode." At that moment, Mr. Darcy became very white, whilst Mr. Bingley became very red. "If one of the five Bennet sisters win this little game, then that person shall marry Mr. Darcy and relieve the late Mr. Bennet of his inheiritance. If Miss Bingley wins, then I will not detonate Mr. Bingley's cufflinks."

"To what end are you doing this?" cried one of the Bennet sisters.

"I enjoy various and sundry hobbies as any gentleman would," Mr. Collins replied, "and just because I am a member of the clergy does not mean in any way that my status requires civility and respect for the human species. Did you not read about Pope Leo X?"

The guests talked amongst themselves and agreed that they, collectively, never read a thorough account of Pope Leo X, and were unaware of his bitter cruelty.

"Then perhaps you shall learn something come tomorrow," Mr. Collins said. "I bid you all to retire. Tomorrow we begin this little game of ours. Goodnight, and farewell."

"If only it were backgammon," Mary said with a little sigh, and the entire party wished each other well and retired for the night.


	3. On the Croquet Pitch

On the next morning the guests at Longbourne as well as the gentlefolk that resided there came down to a fine break-fast of tea and various dishes of a tomatoe nature laid out by Mr. Collins. It was during this splendid breakfast that all of the previous evening's festivities began to once more enter their thoughts. It was Mrs. Bennet who, perhaps because of the sudden detonation of her husband's cufflinks the night earlier, brought their break-fast conversation to the upcoming competition for Mr. Darcy.

"I wish to grant all of you fine young women the best of fortune," Mrs. Bennet said, "but, I beg your pardon, Miss Bingley, I hope to see you dispatched before any one of my daughters, for you see, we are attached by our blood, and as the ancient saying goes..."

To which Miss Bingley replied, "Oh, Mrs. Bennet, it is quite acceptable to support your own children, and I agree with you wholeheartedly on such a delicate matter."

"I thank you for your understanding and kindness, Miss Bingley, and to that end I wish you the most happy death a young woman such as yourself could have. A quick, painless dispatch without any improper or disagreeable strings attached."

"But would that not mean," Mr. Bingley questioned, "That I would have to detonate alongside my dear sister Miss Bingley's dispatch and at a much sooner date than expected, I presume?"

Mr. Collins, who seemed to be in a rather cross humor on this morning, answered sharply, "Yes, Mr. Bingley, it would be so. And I wish that all of my guests would remain silent at the moment, for I will be announcing further rules and regulations at present." To which he stood from his chair at the dining table and began his allocution.

"The competition shall begin promptly at 9 o'clock this morning, on the croquet pitch. The actual game shall begin a quarter of an hour after the hour of 9, and in that time between the congregation and the true start of the game at a quarter past, the competitors will attempt to conceal themselves wherever they wish on the estate and begin the courtship of Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Mrs. Bennet and Mr. Bingley both shall sit with me on the terrace and observe the events as they take place."

The time at that moment was precisely three quarters past eight, and Mary quickly addressed the entire party. "Do you think there will be enough time until the start of the match to play a swift game of backgammon?"

Mr. Collins gave a long sigh and replied, "Miss Bennet, you are about to embark on a game of the most serious nature in your life, and yet you still insist on playing another game of a frivolous nature such as backgammon?" Mr. Collins then inspected the diningroom clock once more. "Fine. I agree to your final request, Miss Bennet. We shall all now play one last game of backgammon before the real competition starts."

After a rapid yet excitable game of backgammon, which many of the party agreed could most likely be their last, Mr. Collins led his guests out to the croquet pitch, where two members of the Longbournehelp heldin their handsthe tray on which all of Miss Bingley and the Bennet sisters' weapons were laid out on the handsome dark velvet bed. Each one of the six young women recieved from these trays a pistol and a rapier each, and once the distribution was completed Mr. Collins continued with his explanation of the upcoming competition.

"All of you young ladies have recieved weapons from me myself, but your arsenal is not limited to what I have given you. You shall need all of your wits, skills, and attractive and winning natures to overcome your rivals and recieveMr. Darcy's affections." After he saw to it that the young ladies were well equipped with weapons and his information, he continued, this time speaking solely to Mr. Darcy. "Dear Mr. Darcy, you must take a long, circuitous walk along the Longbourne Estate, so that each young lady may attempt to attract your attention."

Mr. Collins, after the entire party was well informed of his game's final regulations, pulled a pistol from his own pocket, and held it up over his head. "Miss Bingley and the Miss Bennets, you all have three days to find a winner to this challenge. If more than one young lady is alive after three days, everyone shall detonate as I have already explained yesterday. I wish you all the best of luck." After his small oration, he fired a shot into the air above his head, and the five young ladies jogged quickly over the hedges and topiaries to various and sundry parts of the estate. As soon as he saw that they all had disappeared behind the hedges and beyond the croquet pitch, he guided the remaining members of his party back to the terrace and sat them comfortably in latticed patio chairs.

Mrs. Bennet looked out at all of the estate she could see while sitting at the terrace, and spoke to Mr. Bingley. "I do hope one of my girls come out with Mr. Darcy at the end of this," she said. "But---I am sorry to admit this rather rude statement to you Mr. Bingley--- I do hope that you yourself shall explode before I do."

"Oh, it would be quite all right to explode before you do, Mrs. Bennet," Mr. Bingley replied, but he secretly wondered how and why Mrs. Bennet had grown so cold with him so rather quickly.


	4. In Which There Is A Butter Knife

Miss Kitty Bennet was the first of the young competitors to encounter Mr. Darcy whilst he was taking his stroll around the estate. It was around the hour of noon when she came forth from behind the hedges to enage in energetic conversation with the young gentleman.

"Mr. Darcy, do I have the pleasure of being the first to see you on this fine morning?" Kitty asked. Her voice had a strange, elevated tempo as she looked about the gardens around them, observing the movements of the trees and hedges lest another competitor should leap out from somewhere hidden.

"Why yes, Miss Bennet, you are the first I have met on my walk this morning," Mr. Darcy answered. "But at the moment I suggest we leave this spot of the garden, for somewhere inside me I fear that one of your rivals will emerge from their hiding place at any time."

"That would be in the best of taste, sir," Kitty agreed, and she held onto his wrist and pulled him quickly along behind her. "I too am begining to feel as if eyes were upon my person."

Then, at length Kitty and Mr. Darcy both heard some noise from behind one of the hedges, and afterwards Lydia Bennet emerged from the shadows, running at a rather hurried pace and ignoring her fellow competitor Kitty at the same moment. "If you will excuse me, Mr. Darcy, I have an important meeting with my dear sister regarding our future," Kitty said, and then cocked the hammers of her pistol back and fired a warning shot into Lydia Bennet's retreating lower back.

Lydia fell forward into the dirt in the most unpleasant manner, to which end she cried, "Kitty! Are you incapable of realizing I have no desire to attack you or any one of my peers?"

Kitty then smartly kicked the back of Lydia's head further into the dirt. "I do wish to speak with you civilly, Lydia, but that would entail you, Mr. Darcy, myself and everyone else incorporated into this competition to explode immediately."

"Oh my, it seems that I had quite forgotten that section of the regulations," Lydia replied, "but I still cannot continue with this competition, for I personally have no real affections for Mr. Darcy, and in all actuality wish very much to escape this persecution and see dear Mr. Wickham at the militia encampment in town."

"That is an excellent idea, Lydia," said Kitty, "But I would like to ask how would you go about escaping this compound? You would, I'm afraid, experience the most dreadful detonation if you crossed over Longbourne's walls."

Lydia then stood up slowly, regaining her balance and looking in disdain at the tear in her gown the bullet had given her as it tore through her body. "I wonder at the moment if I were to dispatch dear Mr. Darcy would this racuous game terminate? Because I wish very much to present myself in a decent, unscathed manner when I meet Mr. Wickham."

"Is that so, Lydia?" Kitty asked, and she brought forth her rapier. "I not only fight for Mr. Darcy's life but for all of our lives as well, for I have a slight feeling that all of us may perish quite horribly if your plan was to be carried out."

"Then I fear I have very little choice in the matter," Lydia said.

"I suppose then that it would be in good taste if I were to stand over in that direction," Mr. Darcy added as the young ladies began their rather terrible duel. As they fought, Mr. Darcy in private noted how wretched and inexperienced their fighting form was, and secretly wished they that would do away with the rapiers and dispute in the dirt instead.

"At this moment I regret never learning any teachings of swordsmanship," Kitty said, as Lydia gave her another rather beastly hole through her chest.

"Why, Kitty, what a silly thing to say!" Lydia cried, and in that moment Kitty realized a grand opportunity and fired her final shot into the kneecap of Lydia's handsome left leg. "Truly you forget that we are all young, respectable ladies here in this household?" Lydia fell quite smartly to the floor after that rather awful and dishonest blow from her sister. "Oh, how very common of you, Kitty!"

"This game to me is quite common in my own veiw, Lydia," Kitty replied, but then at that moment Lydia removed a dining room butterknife from somewhere in her pockets and promptly planted its end into Kitty's handsome temple. Kitty was quite surprised at the rather guileless ploy from her sister, and thus fell upon her in a non-living nature.

At length Lydia removed herself from her sister, and stood up to greet Mr. Darcy, who was not at a great distance from her engagement with Kitty. "Mr. Darcy, forgive me for this quite nasty interruption," said Lydia," but it was for my own mortal defence and is justified rightly so."

To which Mr. Darcy added, "I understand your plight completely, and completely I accept your apology, even if your mishap included the murder of your sister, Miss Bennet."

Lydia gave Mr. Darcy a quite charming smile, and replied, "I thank you deeply for your forgiveness, but it seems that I must leave you here if I were to hurry to see Mr. Wickham in town."

She thus began to depart, and to that end Mr. Darcy called after her. "Miss Bennet, do you believe in Mr. Collins' rather nasty threat that included the detonation and overall termination of our party if one competitor were to depart from Longbourne lands?"

Lydia thought about Mr. Darcy's consideration for a moment and then at length duly replied, "If the rumors were true, Mr. Darcy, then I shall apologise in advance for all of our party's unfortunate and unwarranted demise." And to that end she left, and as the bells from the chapel in the town pealed over the grand countryside, Mr. Darcy wondered to himself if the competition would be adjourned in time for tea, which, as he walked lonely through the Longbourne estate, he had regretfully missed.


	5. The Tragic Case of MIss Lydia Bennet

At length the small stone wall of the western edge of the Longbourne Estate came into Lydia's vision, and her pace quickened to a rather unbecoming run despite the rather vital injury to her own knee, which she looked upon in disdain. Surely Mr. Wickham would forgive her for her rash and rather crude appearance at the moment as soon as she revealed to him the recent turn of events, and as she thought about the gentlemana smile came upon her countenance.

Ah, Mr. Wickham! Truly a handsomer or more pleasant being had not yet lived on God's Earth! He was as dear to the Miss Lydia Bennet as a prize lop-eared hunting dog was to a fine country gentleman, and his overall loyalty to every fibre of Lydia's person would sweep away in his eyes indefinitelyher present rude appearance and strange, troublesome condition in which she should see him again. It was this image of Mr. Wickham that drove the poor girl forward in her quest, but at the very moment she approached the wall that skirted the estate she faltered in her step, recalling Mr. Collins' warning of eminent detonation to all who should entreat upon escaping their cruel fate at the hands of this terrible game.

"If my sisters and good friends were tobe thrown into the maw of oblivion because of my rash action of escape," she thought at that moment, "would they perhaps forgive me were we to meet again in the elysium fields of the otherworld above?"

"Wherefore not?" she asked aloud. "God and my peers would most definitely give me their pardon if I were to mention the reason for my flight. They have all agreed with me on the veritable smartness of the match that dear Mr. Wickham and I make, and, in addition,wherefore not forgive one who is caught in a star-crossed state against the willsof her own nature?" As soon as her own conscience and thought were justified, she stepped over the wall and into the adjoining meadow in the most unladylike fashion, but at that moment Lyidia was not concerned with making a proper appearance.

Upon reaching the other side of the wall, Lydia herself did not explode as she had expected. Thoroughly relieved with this newly learned fact, she thought again of her dear Mr. Wickham and continued on her sojourn to the military establishment in which he resided. However, it was in that moment the brooch pinned to her shoulder began a chirp of the most perilous persuasion, and Lydia's whole being began to quake as if she herself had been approached by the Heavenly Beings of the Apolcalypse. She then trod along through the moor at a pace as fast as her injuries would allow, and thought only of Mr. Wickham and the comfort of his abode shoudl she arrive there, but as she walked further and further from the estate of Longbourne the chirping of her brooch of the most hideous nature increased in tempo. "Dear Mr. Wickham!"the poor girl cried. "Should I ever have the chance to see your person once more, I would give up my place in Heaven to arrive in safety!"

It was at that moment the brooch ceased with its noisemaking and prompty exploded, and Lydia's left shoulder shattered into a thousand peices, and her left limb as well fell to the ground in a most terrible manner, utterly unattached to her person. Ignoring her condition of the most horrifying persuasion,Lydia quickly analyzed her situation and found herself to inorexably alive for the most part. "By the grace of a merciful God!" Lydia cried, and thought again of Mr. Wickham.She quickly concluded that despite her extreme injuries her dear Mr. Wickham would still take her into the bosom of his heart, and she staggered on in the most pathetic of manners, her own love for the gentleman and her last strength urging her on further toward her destination.

However, at that moment a sudden blast of a pistol fire was heard coming from the outskirts of the estate at Longbourne, and a multitude of birds flew upwards from the grass of the meadow in fear. Lydia herself turn toward the source of the blast for a moment, but at the next moment reminded herself of the urgent nature of her quest of seek out Mr. Wickham, and turned away, increasing her pace as much as her own spirit would allow. There was another blast from a pistol from the same location, and at last Lydia fell to the ground, her body unmoving, the back of her skull peirced by a bullet launched by the mysterious wielder of that terrible pistol.

The final thoughts of the poor girl Miss Lydia were that never again would she perceive the contenance of Mr. Wickham, and never again should she dine with him together on tea and dishes of a tomatoe nature.


End file.
